196. It can be but myself I crucify.
I am not a body. I am free. For I am still as God created me.
The body often reveals an attack before I admit I am making one.
My shoulders lift. My breathing becomes shallow. I rehearse the sharp sentence while telling myself I am merely preparing to be clear.
The other person may be nowhere near me, but the body has already entered the conflict.
This is not proof that anger is wrong. Bodies register threat, and some situations require protection. The question is whether I am responding to what is present or repeatedly crucifying myself with a scene that has ended.
I once noticed that every time a particular name appeared on my screen, my stomach tightened before I had read the message. The body had learned the grievance so well that it could begin the argument without new evidence.
Freedom started with the pause before opening it.
I let my feet touch the floor, took one unforced breath, and remembered that this message could contain information without containing my identity.
The response I eventually sent was still firm. It simply did not require my body to serve as the battlefield.
Today I want to notice where attack is being stored physically.
I may still set a boundary or decline contact.
But I do not need to injure my own peace while deciding what love asks now.
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A PRIVATE REFLECTION
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